Celebrating Christmas for Jewish Girls : A Guide (Part III)

It is finally time to start talking about Christmas!!! Can you tell how excited I am? 

Neill and I celebrate Christmas with his family in West Virginia and it is always a great time. And you know what I've learned? Celebrating Christmas is a whole lot like celebrating Chanukah -- except with more candy. Yes, there are the obvious differences, but both of our family holiday traditions surround spending time with family, eating good food, and exchanging gifts. Hopefully, you don't need a guide to tell you how to do those things!


One thing that is different about Christmas it that there are so many more decorations. With Chanukah, all you need is a menorah and you are set. With Christmas, you've got stockings, wreaths, poinsettias, garlands, and Christmas lights--and that is in addition to a Christmas tree. We've never had even a hint of Christmas in our condo. Since we are always out of town for the holiday, it just seemed . . . unnecessary. 

But, this year--for the first time ever--I wanted to bring some Christmas into our home. I can't stress enough how absolutely wonderful Neill was this Chanukah. He set up the menorah, learned the prayers, helped make latkes, and lit the candles with me every night. It felt so good to have him be an active participant in the holiday that I wanted to do the same for him! If a Christian can celebrate Chanukah like a pro, I see no reason why a Jew can't celebrate Christmas!

See, in the past we've approached Chanukah like it was my holiday and Christmas like it was his holiday. I was in charge of all things Chanukah and he was in charge of Christmas. This year, however, our approach shifted. Chanukah was our holiday and I want to make Christmas our holiday too. I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas in West Virginia with my in-laws for years to come, but that doesn't mean we can't bring some of the Christmas joy into our home! 

So I present to you everything you need to know about how to make your house look like one big Christmas party. For someone who has spent her whole life trying to ignore all things Christmas, it was quite a change to actually have to think about this stuff! There are so many decisions to be made, so many color schemes to choose from. I decided to keep things classic and stick with red, green, and white. I hope you enjoy! 
   
+Wreaths
This is how Christmas dumb I am - I found myself googling phrases like "Where do you buy a Christmas wreath?" and "How to hang a wreath." And you know what I found out? They make products for that - wreath hangers! Who knew? But, you know what I like even better? This idea -- hang a wreath on each side of the door and use a pretty piece of ribbon to hold them both up (with the middle of the ribbon going on the top of the door and each end wrapped around a wreath). Here are the two I picked - both are variations on my red, white, and green color scheme.

Ornament Wreath

Berry Wreath

+Stockings

I was so excited when Neill's mom made me my own stocking the first year I celebrated Christmas with them. I want us to have stockings to hang on our fireplace too! I really like these simple white stockings from Garnett Hill.

stocking

+Stocking Holders

Oh my oh my oh my. Stocking holders might be by new favorite accessory! There are so many fun ones -- I just couldn't pick between these three.   

JOY stocking holder

Gift Box Stocking Holder

Reindeer Stocking Holder

+A Christmas Tree

A Christmas tree is probably the most iconic symbol of Christmas, however, with our small condo it isn't very practical. But do you know what is totally doable? An ornament tree! I don't know if I've just been living under a rock or what, but I've actually never heard of one of these. But, it just seems like the perfect way to get some glittery ornament goodness without having a tree. Here are three I've found:

Ornament Tree

Ornament Tree

Ornament Tree

+Ornaments

I've never paid much attention to ornaments. So, I was surprised to see just how beautiful some ornaments are. But why oh why do I always fall in love with the most expensive accessories? These Waterford ornaments are just gorgeous.

crosshaven ornament

garland ornament

I think we'll need about twelve ornaments to fill our ornament tree. And since the ornaments are truly the focus of the ornament trees, I felt a little pressure to find the perfect combination. I love the folksy swirls of these first two ornament designs! To keep them the center of attention, I'll fill the rest of the stand with solid green, red, and white ornaments of varying size (all ornaments from c&b). 

Swedish Cookie Ornaments

Folk Swirl Ornaments

White Ornaments

Red Ornaments

Green Ornaments

Whew! Now that is a lot of Christmas sparkle!

I feel lucky to be in an interfaith relationship. I truly believe I'm getting the best of both worlds. Not only do we get extra time to soak up the holiday goodness, but I think both of our lives are enriched by the new holidays and traditions we've been exposed to. While how we manage our faiths is bound to change over the years, for now we've found a happy combination that works for us--two parts latkes, one part Christmas ham, and one part chocolate covered marshmallow Santas.

Psss. Read Part I and Part II

Celebrating Christmas for Jewish Girls : A Guide (Part II)

In Part I, I described what I would call the interfaith low point of our relationship. I was angry that Neill knew nothing about Judaism and unsure if he could ever "get it." I'm not quite sure what Neill was feeling at this point. My guess is that he was probably feeling confused ("Why is she so angry about this? What is the big deal?") and frustrated (Why is she acting like I'm a bad person or that this is my fault?"). But, I think there might have also been a part of him that understood where I was coming from to some extent. Having grown up as an ethnic minority in a predominantly White area, Neill knows a thing or two about being the odd man out.

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In this post, I want to focus on how we got from Point A to Point B. I am writing this not only to reflect on our relationship, but also with the hopes that others going through the same thing might be able to take something useful from this.

How I Made Our Interfaith Relationship Work For Me*

+Being Honest With Myself

Even at 19 I was aware there were certain things that I would be unable to compromise on in regards to religion. For example, I felt strongly that my future children be raised in the Jewish faith and culture (i.e., no going to Church one week and Synagogue the next). I was honest with myself about what I felt were my deal breakers and I didn't even pretend to want to compromise on these.

+Being Honest with Neill

Given that there were issues I knew I could not compromise on, I directly asked Neill about his views and was honest with him about where I stood from early on in our relationship. I believe the conversations went something like this,

Me: Do you want kids?
Neill: Sure, one day. I love kids.
Me: Great. Just so you know - if I ever have kids they will be raised Jewish. Okay?
Neill: Um. Okay.

It probably wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say that I interrogated him about his beliefs. Somehow, Neill managed to pass! But if he hadn't? I don't think I would have stuck around. I feel bad saying this, but it just wouldn't have made sense for me to invest my time and energy. For example, one of my deal-breakers was the belief that Christianity is the one true religion. Why would I be with someone who looked down on my religion?

It's worth noting that the process of being honest with myself and with Neill is not something that you can just check off your list and be done with. It is a continuous process. Plus, people's feelings on religion can change. Now that we are married I obviously wouldn't run in the opposite direction if Neill decided to recommit himself to the Church (at least not right away), but if that ever happened we would have A LOT of issues to work out.

+Letting Go of The Anger/ Finding my Sense of Humor 

Ohhh my good friend anger. It was hard to let you go, but I'm so glad I ditched you at the curb. 

Why did I have so much anger in the first place? The answer to that is much more complex than I can adequately describe here, but I'll share the key pieces of information. My grandfather on my father's side was a Holocaust survivor. He escaped from Austria and came to the United States, but the majority of his family did not survive. Obviously, this experience drastically changed my grandfather's world view and to a large extent his view of Christians. This was passed down to my father who then passed it down to me. But, by the time I was 19 I could see that this anger had not served my father well. Anger, unless put to good use, rarely does.

That's not to say that some of that old anger doesn't pop up once in a while. Now, however, I direct my anger at systems - not people. For example, instead of: "I'm angry at Neill" it is "I'm angry that there are school systems in our country that do not educate their students about Judaism and other world-religions." I fully believe that people are a product of their environment and so redirecting my anger in this manner is consistent with my values. Furthermore, statements such as this are more productive in that they suggest institutions that need reform instead of just raging at one individual. 

The second part of letting go of my anger at Neill was finding a reaction to take its place. For me, it really helped to approach situations with a sense of humor. Joking about our differences can sometimes help bring us together.  

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+Involving Neill in My Family's Traditions

Whew! After all of that hard work, we are finally getting to the fun part! Once we figured out that Neill was willing to learn and I was willing to teach, it was time to get down to celebratin'. In thinking about what was really important to me, I decided that I didn't care whether or not Neill had a large body of knowledge about Judaism. In general, what mattered most to me was that he got my flavor of Judaism. In other words, I wanted him to understood my beliefs, my culture, and my faith much more than I wanted him to know factual information on the religion.  

And what better way to learn than by doing? Sure, Neill was like a deer in headlights his first time at a Passover seder, but now after a few go-arounds through a haggadah he is a pro!

I remember the first time we went to celebrate Chanukah at my mom's house we practiced the Chanukah song in the car the whole way there. Now, fast forward five years. This past Chanukah, Neill blew my socks off by being able to SING THE HEBREW prayers for lighting the menorah ALL BY HIMSELF. Yep. Pretty amazing, right?

And of course, Neill took an immediate liking to the food. But, I guess it is pretty hard to not like a bagel with cream cheese and lox :)

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+Clearly Communicating Expectations
This is last, but certainly not least! I don't think I can over-stress how important this was to making things work. Because we are still figuring out how we want to celebrate these holidays and developing our own traditions, we still have to communicate about our plans. But, sometimes I have this nasty habit of thinking that Neill should just magically know what I want (example: "What do you mean you didn't know I wanted you to cancel band practice so that you could be home all 8 nights of Chanukah????"). So, I have to work doubly hard at making sure I communicate what I want. This means that I have to first decide what I want in advance. For me, this can be the most difficult part! But, I appreciate that it helps me be more purposeful in how I celebrate the holidays. I've found that if I can clearly communicate with Neill about what I'd like, Neill is usually more than happy to make that happen.

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 So there you have it - the five things I think are the vital elements to our interfaith relationship: honesty with self, honesty with partner, having a sense of humor, involving your partner in family traditions, and communication. 

With all of these things coming together, Neill and I have been able to successfully navigate our interfaith world. In fact, the longer we are together the less it feels like we even are an interfaith couple! If you take away the labels of "Jewish" or "Christian", we have more beliefs in common than not. And when we pray, I believe we are praying to the same God. Plus, as Neill has become more invested in celebrating Jewish holidays, I've found myself becoming more open than I ever thought I would be to celebrating the Christian holidays in our home.

In Part III, the last installment, I'm going to talk about how we are bringing the Christmas cheer into our home for the very first time!


*I can't really speak to how Neill came to terms with our interfaith relationship.

Celebrating Christmas for Jewish Girls : A Guide (Part I)

Now that Chanukah is over, it is time to move on to Christmas.

Yup, that is right. I'm going to go all in this year and go two for two.

But, before I talk about our Christmas plans this year I want to share with you how we got to this point because it has been a long road, baby. Let me explain.

I'm Jewish and my husband is not. I don't want to speak for him in terms of what he considers himself because I think that is a really personal and complex decision, but suffice it to say he grew up going to Catholic school and his family is Christian.

second date (2005)

When we first started dating my DH told me that I was the first Jewish person he had ever really known. I can't remember exactly what brought this up, but I sure do remember how I felt afterward - I couldn't imagine that it was possible for someone to live their whole life and never have met a person who is Jewish.

Furthermore, it made me angry because as a Jewish person growing up in a largely Christian world I have been forced to become familiar with Christian holidays. I couldn't avoid the information even if I had tried. And, at the time, I felt there was no reason in the world that made it okay to be ignorant about other religions and their beliefs and holidays. I thought by adulthood that any thoughtful person would have made an effort to educate themselves on other religions. So the excuse (which is how I saw it) that he didn't know about Judaism because he had never met a Jewish person just made me angry.

3 month anniversary

I felt that it shouldn't be my job or the job of any other Jewish person to educate members of the dominant religion on our faith and culture. I am not the spokesperson for Judiasm and I resented being put in that position.

On top of the anger (or maybe underneath of it), I think it made me a little sad. Everyone wants to be understood by their partner and I think I started to question whether it was possible for Neill to understand me.

So if you couldn't tell already, I had some strong feelings on the subject! Looking back, I think this could have been a point where either one of us decided to throw in the towel (remember, we had only been dating a few months). I was realizing that it was important to me that my partner respected and understood where I was coming from as a Jew and I could have made the decision to stop pursuing an interfaith relationship. On the other side of things, Neill also might have decided that he would rather date someone who celebrated the same holidays as him and didn't have the same anger over his lack of knowledge of Judaism.

But, we didn't (obviously). In fact, somehow we were able to get to the point we are today - enjoying the best of both worlds.

Chanukah 2008

Christmas 2006 - I have a stocking!

In Part II, I will address how Neill and I navigated our interfaith relationship. And then get to the fun stuff - our Christmas plans for this year!

pss. read part II here!