wedding porn

oh.my.gawd.

there are so many wonderful and beautiful and amazing wedding blogs

So far, I've started following

A $10,000 Wedding

A Windy City Wedding

Etsy Wedding

From "I Will" to "I Do"

it is addicting. yesterday, i spent probably 4 hours of my morning trolling wedding websites and goo goo gawing over ceremony and reception sites. I also started an account at The Knot and ready every single yelp review of Chicago wedding venues. It is very easy to see why it is so easy for couples (brides) to get swept up in the whole thing and end up spending thousands of dollars on an extravegent, everything must be perfect and just right event.

the urge to have perfection is definitely understandable. it is a once in a lifetime thing. but, whose to say what perfection is? i keep telling myself a wedding isn't really about fancy place cards or specialty serving dishes or ornate center pieces or any of the material things that go with the wedding industry. and yes, let's not fool ourselves, it is an industry.

the question i need to answer then is how can a couple create a wedding that serves their needs and wants and NOT the wedding industry machine. if we decide to reject the ideas propogated by wedding magazines of what makes a beautiful wedding we are left with the work of exploring our own beliefs and desires and expectations.

I find it overwhelming to think about creating our own traditions and our own beauty. I worry that my ideas won't be good enough. That they will be empty and meaningless. It is scary to think about dissapointing family and friends. It is so overwhelming and scary that there is a part of me that wants to just go with the flow and follow the checklists and guides that martha stewart provides.

BUT, i hope that i don't. because, in the end i would really like to have a wedding that is fully ours. because a wedding is about family, old and new. it is about celebration. it is about love. it is about continuing meaningful traditions. it is about radiating happiness. And these are things that no website or expert or any amount of money can give you.

weekend funnies

tall,skinny chicks wearing really high heals and falling on their ass. never gets old.

are you a dreamer?

I took advantage of our lovely drive to St. Louis to talk with Neill about The Wedding. I was anxious to know what was important to him, what he envisioned, what he wanted. Yes, believe it or not, I like to take into account other people's opinions :) It seems like we are mainly on the same page in terms of size. We want something small with our immediate/close family and immediate/close friends. We both like the idea of getting married on some sort of estate, having a little cocktail hour, and then dinner and dancing. I want a DJ, but I think Neill would be open to using an ipod for music. I want a sit down dinner with table service and Neill doesn't want to give our guests any food. heh heh. Thankfully, Neill is mostly okay with having a jewish-ey wedding because I sure has hell would not have gone for a Catholic one. My only concern is that we won't be able to find a rabbi who will perform the service. Apparently, it is harder than I thought it would be to find a rabbi who performs interfaith ceremonies. racists. Because Neill is a Northwestern Alum, we have the option of using campus chapel (Alice Millar Chapel) for free. We went to a wedding there about two years ago and it is a very pretty building and has a ton of beautiful blue stained glass. Also, the NU campus around there is gorgeous. The only problem I see is that I remember seeing some crosses around there. It is technically a nondenominational chapel, but I don't necessarily want to get married with a ceramic (plastic?) jesus staring down at me. Anyhoo, just some musings! Time to go to work!

fml

So let me tell you a little story. In this story, a young girl named Alisha gets up for work at 6:30 in the morning on Monday and then, after arriving at work at 7:45 am, realizes that she has the day off. She checks her calender and sure enough she has "off work" written in her calender for the 16th. But, with all the excitement of being newly engaged and the craziness of planning a one day trip to St. Louis she must have forgotten.

Then, when the young girl arrives back home--feeling idiotic for the whole work mishap--she has to deal with a broken freezer. Currently, our main character is still waiting for this slow ass old man to fix the gd freezer. She is unsure why it takes so long to replace a motor. Oh wait. Now she remembers. Said old ass man had to take a two hour break in the middle to "get some supplies" and then said he "got turned around" on his way back. Something like this would of course happen after our damsel went on a fabulous shopping trip to CostCo and stored all her new BULK food in the (now) broken freezer.

She is crawling out of her skin with nerves because she would have much rather been on her way to St. Louis hours ago as she has a very important person to talk to there and is feeling ill prepared as is.

please pray that Alisha is granted strength to wait patiently for this handyman (who ironically is missing one of his index fingers) and pray that she is granted the strength to control herself when he asks for an exorbitant about of money in return for his painfully slow service.

fuck my life.

Looking For You

What a perfect lazy Saturday. It is exactly 5:06 PM right now and I'm feeling relaxed and calm and content and happy. I had the day off from work so I've been sort of wallowing in the luxury of having a completely free Saturday. My my my it is amazing.

So, I want to start from the beginning. Well - at least Monday. Lots of people at work have been asking me how Neill proposed. I am not completely clear about what sort of information people are looking for with this sort of question and so if I'm leaving something out please do not hesitate to ask. It is not because I don't want to share, it is because I'm just not sure what to say. The important bits that stick out in my mind are:

he proposed to me . . . on one knee

he proposed to me . . . with sweet sweet sweet words about love and commitment

he proposed to me . . . in the privacy of our home

he proposed to me . . . after we ate food from Papajin, the same place we ordered from on our very first date.

he proposed to me . . . with a ring I picked out with him and his mother over Christmas

he proposed to me . . . and my heart started beating so fast I couldn't catch my breath

he proposed to me . . . and I couldn't believe it was actually happening, although I wouldn't say I was surprised.

He proposed to me . . .and we didn't tell anyone until the next day

He proposed to me . . . and I still can't stop staring at my ring

Thinking about it makes me feel all light headed and warm on the inside.

People have also been asking me a lot if I'm excited or if I'm happy. This seems like a ridiculous question as the answer should be obvious. If this wasn't something that made me happy, I wouldn't have said yes.

That being said, I think it is interesting to note that things don't feel all that different. Neill and I already have made very strong commitments to each other and I've never truly doubted him (or, more importantly us). Sure, I've had moments (or weeks) of insecurity, but I always knew that we would be together. I've believed so strongly in our relationship from the beginning that "the future" wasn't in question, just the timing. However, while the commitment and love doesn't feel different, the very public nature of an engagement is certainly a change. And while sometimes I'm uncomfortable being the center attention, it has been nice to be on the receiving end of so much positive energy. (As a side note, why every couple in love is not blessed with such support and well wishes now seems somewhat silly to me)

I think people are perhaps interested in the details of our engagement. Namely, how long. I don't have an answer on that, but my guess is that we will get married in a year or a year and a half. While I'm certainly ready to day dream and fantasize about weddings, I'm not ready to actually plan anything. I'm still very much just thinking broadly about what might feel right. Honestly, I'm not even sure Neill is ready for that. He could probably not hear the word "wedding" for a while and be happy. He is, however, being incredibly kind and giving in to my wedding whims. Today, we went to borders and I bought two wedding books (The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant and Celebrating Interfaith Marriages by Rabbi Devon A. Lerner) and a couple of wedding magazines. I'm going to try and keep a track of images, colors, patterns, ideas, whatever that inspire me (us).

Anyhoo, soon we are going to start cooking dinner together (our main valentine's day plan). We've got a surf and turf theme going on so we are going to make steak and salmon. Along with that we will make salad with tons of fresh veggies and some couscous. I'm mainly excited for the protein portion :)

I uploaded a bunch of new photos to my flickr so feel free to browse. I apologize that there are probably 30 pictures of my left hand, but I just couldn't help myself! Here are a few of my favorites. The last one is actually my hand in front of a picture from my first date with Neill. Well, more accurately, the morning after out first date!

micro blog

so i've got to sit down and write a well thought out blog post - but not right now. I just wanted to share two things:

1. i just returned from my first ever trip to CostCo. holy food fuck. how have i lived without this place for so long!?!??! I'm a changed woman.

2. At CostCo, i bought my first wedding magazine. I picked it up and i almost started to cry. it was quite a moment in the middle of the totally hectic crazy scene that is CostCo.

anyways right now i really need to get some reading done but i also want to go to the gym. what's a girl to do? fine. ill bring my reading to the gym and try to concentrate on the sentences while my head is bobbing up and down and ultimately i'll just give up and throw it to the floor. but at least i will have tried.

its a sunshine day (well actually its cloudy outside but whatever)

sorry for the horribly depressing post yesterday.

don't worry, my negativity didn't stick with me! i spent all day today trying to blind people with my bling (in the nicest way of course) and gushing about being engaged.

ooo sparkles!

stephanie remind me about that thing . . .something about sparkles . . . or something. from anjalie or however you spell her name. remember?!?!

more later. maybe.

emo alert

i was finally able to get a hold of my dad today. i tried reaching him all day on Tuesday, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing. This morning, I talked to him and told him about Neill and me.

the joy in his voice. in his words. it means the world to me.

sometimes, I think i've lost him. it can be hard to recognize the man i know as my father in him. sometimes, i think that the MS has completely taken him from me. but today, he was my dad. all excitement and happiness. encouraging and loving. hopeful and supportive.

he told me he was excited to walk me down the aisle. im not even sure he would be able to make that walk, but the fact that he wants to means more to me than anything else.

the only bittersweet thing about all this happiness is my parents. i wish they were together for this. i wish my dad wasn't sick. i wish i still had the family i remember from when i was younger.

wishes

im trying to be grateful for the conversation i had with my dad today and forget seeing him in the hospital last week. im trying to savor the parents i have now without lamenting the family i lost. im trying to be excited for my future family and not sad for who might not be around to meet them.

i'm trying.

public service announcement x2

i'm engaged. to neill.


!!!omfg*&(*&^*^*&shit$#TFGBNmnkljm,de!!!!!!!

public service announcement

people who donated to support prop 8

i think god hates people who don't support equal rights. but thats just my humble opinion.

Call Center Supervisor Mix

So . . at our team building meeting last week we each submitted a song that helped us destress after work. Then, our boss compiled the songs and made us each a mix cd. Very cute.

1. Party UP - DMX
2. I Wanna Be Sedated - Ramones
3. Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
4. This Is How It Goes* - Miss Higgins
5. Something Like That - Tim McGraw
6. First Of The Month - Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
7. Kaya - Bob Marley
8. Cupid - Sam Cooke
9. A Fork In The Road - Smokey Robinson
10. Ambiguity - David Thomas Broughton

*I just realized that this is the name of my blog. what a coincidence! But no, this was not my song. I submitted First of the Month by bone thungs.

anyways, im officially reminded about how much i heart mix CDs.

don't play dead before you have to

Brand Loyalty. Do you have it? If so, for what items?

Philadelphia cream cheese - definitely tastes waaaay better than the generic.

Nalgene water bottles - i used a falgene for a while, but only while i was waiting for my nalgene. I like having a brand name water bottle. but it has to be nalgene. i hate those fucking sigg users.

GAP/Old Navy clothing- I'm not sure if this counts because its not a specific item that I'm loyal to (but, if I was pressed I'd say gap and old navy pants), but in general i like their clothes and i'm loyal customer :)

MAC computer- once you go mac, you never go back.

Trojan condoms - trojan her pleasure. light purple wrapping. the only option in my opinion. (ps. this reminds me of one day buying condoms in Target with Erica.) fuck knox college for only giving away free durex. I'm pretty sure that is why the pull out method seemed like such a good idea. Although, the other day, I was watching a show and before the two characters even started getting it on they opened the condom. that is some smart shit. i don't know why i never thought of that. (after that i bet you are thinking that the next one on the list is going to be Plan B morning after pill. but its not. mainly because that is the only option and so it isn't really a choice. plus, i got brainz and went on the pill)

YAZ birth control - i will never switch. it was a bitch to get on (nauseous for like a month), but now we are besties.

OB tampons - i don't know anyone who doesn't like these. speak now or forever hold your peace.

Coke - I try not to drink soda that much anymore, but when I do it has to be coke. pepsi is nasty.

Hmm. Thats all I can think of.

What are yours!??!

Superstar Snatch

Vaginas Are Awesome