Looking For You

What a perfect lazy Saturday. It is exactly 5:06 PM right now and I'm feeling relaxed and calm and content and happy. I had the day off from work so I've been sort of wallowing in the luxury of having a completely free Saturday. My my my it is amazing.

So, I want to start from the beginning. Well - at least Monday. Lots of people at work have been asking me how Neill proposed. I am not completely clear about what sort of information people are looking for with this sort of question and so if I'm leaving something out please do not hesitate to ask. It is not because I don't want to share, it is because I'm just not sure what to say. The important bits that stick out in my mind are:

he proposed to me . . . on one knee

he proposed to me . . . with sweet sweet sweet words about love and commitment

he proposed to me . . . in the privacy of our home

he proposed to me . . . after we ate food from Papajin, the same place we ordered from on our very first date.

he proposed to me . . . with a ring I picked out with him and his mother over Christmas

he proposed to me . . . and my heart started beating so fast I couldn't catch my breath

he proposed to me . . . and I couldn't believe it was actually happening, although I wouldn't say I was surprised.

He proposed to me . . .and we didn't tell anyone until the next day

He proposed to me . . . and I still can't stop staring at my ring

Thinking about it makes me feel all light headed and warm on the inside.

People have also been asking me a lot if I'm excited or if I'm happy. This seems like a ridiculous question as the answer should be obvious. If this wasn't something that made me happy, I wouldn't have said yes.

That being said, I think it is interesting to note that things don't feel all that different. Neill and I already have made very strong commitments to each other and I've never truly doubted him (or, more importantly us). Sure, I've had moments (or weeks) of insecurity, but I always knew that we would be together. I've believed so strongly in our relationship from the beginning that "the future" wasn't in question, just the timing. However, while the commitment and love doesn't feel different, the very public nature of an engagement is certainly a change. And while sometimes I'm uncomfortable being the center attention, it has been nice to be on the receiving end of so much positive energy. (As a side note, why every couple in love is not blessed with such support and well wishes now seems somewhat silly to me)

I think people are perhaps interested in the details of our engagement. Namely, how long. I don't have an answer on that, but my guess is that we will get married in a year or a year and a half. While I'm certainly ready to day dream and fantasize about weddings, I'm not ready to actually plan anything. I'm still very much just thinking broadly about what might feel right. Honestly, I'm not even sure Neill is ready for that. He could probably not hear the word "wedding" for a while and be happy. He is, however, being incredibly kind and giving in to my wedding whims. Today, we went to borders and I bought two wedding books (The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant and Celebrating Interfaith Marriages by Rabbi Devon A. Lerner) and a couple of wedding magazines. I'm going to try and keep a track of images, colors, patterns, ideas, whatever that inspire me (us).

Anyhoo, soon we are going to start cooking dinner together (our main valentine's day plan). We've got a surf and turf theme going on so we are going to make steak and salmon. Along with that we will make salad with tons of fresh veggies and some couscous. I'm mainly excited for the protein portion :)

I uploaded a bunch of new photos to my flickr so feel free to browse. I apologize that there are probably 30 pictures of my left hand, but I just couldn't help myself! Here are a few of my favorites. The last one is actually my hand in front of a picture from my first date with Neill. Well, more accurately, the morning after out first date!